It is October and that means Halloween is drawing close. We were issued a request by Mancrates, a service that brings gifts in crates that needs to be opened with a crowbar (best idea ever!), to put together a list of things to survive, should you ever find yourself on the wrong side of the screen during a horror film.
After some research, it turns out that the absolutely, definitive horror genre seems to be Haunted House, so here’s our list of the ten things we would absolutely need to survive if we ever got caught in a haunted house.
1) Full documentation on the property
Too many visitors gets trapped in mansions because they didn’t know of the shady past. The Overlook Hotel from The Shining was built on an ancient Native American burial ground, Rose Red was the scene of a demonic slaughter… Knowing what particular haunting is taking place is half the battle. Once you know what you’re dealing with, you can understand how to deal with it. The quickest way to understand what you’re dealing with is to know the house history.
2) Happy Pills/Bag of Weed
One of the most common ways for a haunting to trap you is to use your own regrets and psychological torments against you. With a healthy dose of antidepressants, you won’t even bother about what the haunting shows you. (Please note that The Torch and the crew does not condone the use or misuse of restricted or prohibited substances)
3) Map of the layout
Almost all haunted houses are much bigger on the inside than on the outside and the corridors are hard to navigate. With a complete map of the layout, you won’t find yourself needlessly trapped.
4) A ball of yarn
Since haunted houses often rearrange the architecture, a map isn’t always useful. However, if you tie one end of a ball of yarn to the doorknob of the room you were originally in and keep the ball with you at all times, you will always be able to get back.
5) Earplugs
Strange voices will beckon you to come to them, that they need your help or have what you’re looking for. Don’t trust them. Don’t listen to those voices. In fact, put a pair of earplugs in right away!
6) Small rubber ball (The Ball of Common Sense)
Your friends and co-hauntees will most definitely do really stupid things. It could be anything from suggesting to split up to start reading an ancient book bound in human skin. When this happens, it’s good to throw a small rubber ball in their faces. The pain will knock some sense right into their skulls, without harming what little is left inside said skull.
7) Good running shoes
You will most definitely be running… a lot! There will most probably be a lot of things to trip over and you’d want full control over your feet. The extra money for a good pair of runners will be worth it.
8) Phone number to exorcist
Many times, just leaving the house won’t work. If you manage to survive the night and get out of the house, the haunting may follow you. At times like that, you need yourself a good old-fashioned exorcism.
9) The address to the person who sent you there
One of the most crucial things you will need to survive an ordeal like this is motivation. Many people cave under due to lack of motivation and to keep you going, anger is key. Direct your anger in a creative and non-destructive manner by knowing you will be able to walk right up to the person who put you in this situation once everything is dealt with and slap them in the head.
10) Salt and graveyard dirt
In most lore, plain salt and some dirt from a freshly dug grave will create an impenetrable shield against all evil. I know if I ever find myself in a haunted house, I’d want a big supply of both to create a circle and then sit and wait the night out.