Have A Scary Christmas: Santa Claus

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In my Top 10 Grizzly Tales I mentioned that there’s something very scary about an old fat man that comes to your house when you’re asleep. Nothing personifies this more than Jolly ‘Ol Saint Nick.

I get that he’s based on a real person, but I’m pretty sure St Nicholas never came into your house while you were sleeping. It’s not just his stalker traits, he effectively have slaves in the form of the elves and he’s not too good to them reindeers either.

I mean look at all the songs that has to do with him. If you really listen to them they talk about this horrifying being that you should be afraid of. He sounds almost murderous. Let’s take a few examples:

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town:

“You better watch out, You better not cry, You better not pout, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town”

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good, So be good for goodness sake”

Twas The Night Before Christmas:

“As dry leaves Before the wild Hurricane fly, When they meet With an obstacle Mount to the sky
So up To the housetop The courses They flew, With a sleigh Full of toys And St. Nicholas too
And then In a twinkling I heard on the roof, The prancing And pawing Of each little hoof”

Here Comes Santa Claus:

“Hang your stockings and say your prayers, ‘Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.”

“Jump in bed, cover up your head, ‘Cause Santa Claus comes tonight”

Tell me that don’t sound at least a little bit creepy!

The terror of Santa Claus came to me in the form of an audio cassette that was given to me by a relative. I think it was my dad, but I can’t remember. It played Twas The Night Before Christmas, read by Dick Van Dyke. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the eerie echo or the deep voice, maybe the droning, deep background music, but this version still creeps me out today. He just sounds so demonic, especially if you hear it for the first time when you’re five years old.

Here, listen to it and tell me that isn’t the scariest rendition of a holiday classic you’ve ever heard:


Well, that’s it for this year from The Torch. We’ll see you all in January, when we’ll have some exciting news for you all.

Scary Christmas to all, and to all A Traumatic New Year!

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